Reflection.

04
_long winding road
__shifting worlds in my mind
___tests of will
____nervous anticipation
______________________________so many changes
______one chapter ends another begins
_______no more comfort zone
________a deep dark place i fell into
_________what is wrong with me
__________help
___________hit bottom
____________isolation broken
_____________acceptance of the world as it is
_through self comes change
_______________social transformation
________________long way still to go
_________________there is time
05

Christmas time is here!

Merry Christmas to all!

Wow, it's been a while since my last post! I have been spending too much time being lazy. It's gonna be so hard to get back into the school groove.

Christmas was good for me and my family. I got pretty much everything I wanted. Well, within reason, anyway. I suppose it would have been quite a feat if I had received a new car, yacht, and my own private island all at the same time! I did all of my shopping during the three days before Xmas and it went stress-free, to my delight and surprise. I didn't have any holiday spirit when I first got to Phoenix but being home among family and friends brought it out of me. The only bad thing about Christmas is all the crappy, fatty food. I'ma gonna go into overdrive at the rec center when I get back to FLA.

Went Christmas caroling on the 23rd. I have been a part of this tradition for the past nine years or so and I look forward to it each year. I get together with my friend Alan, his father, cousins and uncle, as well as college friends and kids from my old high school and we play carols with our wind instruments. It's basic four-part harmony writing but they are fun to play. People in our neighborhood look forward to our arrival every year. Some provide snacks...ahh snacks!

The Flagstaff reunion get-together on the 21st was a blast! Everyone who was to show up did and there were others along for the ride as well. We did some bar hopping in Tempe and ended up at Jen's house to finish off the evening. It was so great to swap stories about Flag and learn about each others' current plans and activities. Everyone who was there have completed at least one college degree and are now pursuing their career goals. We all seem to be doing alright in this crazy world. Hopefully I will be getting some digital pictures from a friend and I will post one or two if they look good.

Talked with M a few days back. She's finally in West Virginia and is doing fine. She told me she will most likely be back in Tallahassee on the 31st. If she is gonna be there for New Years I am gonna ask her out to celebrate. This could be the first New Years for me that I don't spend alone! Please, feel free to pity me, if you must. I have never enjoyed this so-called holiday but maybe there's reason to think differently.

Well, I began this post on Christmas day and am now ending it the day after. I therefore wish to you all a very merry day-after-Christmas!

Ready for liftoff!

There's about eleven hours left until I set foot on AZ soil! Vacation time!!!

Untitled1.

Whew! My car is ok! Got it fixed (for now) today and can check that worry off of my mental checklist. Found out that while I am to be in Phoenix there is to be a grand reunion of a bunch of the old Northern AZ U. gang: Paul, Stephanie, Jen, Jeff, Danielle, Chris, Chris, Eddie, Amos, Ryan, and Me. MUST TAKE PICS AND POST THEM!!! Look for more to follow at a later date than this current post that I am writing on December 17th 2004 right before I plan to go to bed and dream of happy times to come that I will write about for you at a later date to follow.

A long-awaited overhaul.

I decided that after eighteen days of operation my blog was due for a makeover. Notice I changed the headings in the sidebar and changed their color. Man, am I ever the genius! HTML aint so bad once you get to know it.

The electrical system on my mustang went up shit creek without a paddle earlier tonight. As of right now my speedo, odo, and trip guages are kaput and I have no functioning radio or power doorlocks or dome lights or clock. Gotsta get up early and take it to the shop for a diagnosis. Fuckity-fuck, my car got da bad luck!

Whoa...long time no drinky!

Hey y'all I am pretty drunk right now but I thought I should post anyway. I just got in from spending the day with some friends and I had a good time. We had lunch, played some multiplayer Halo 2 on the old XBox, chilled out and played some pool and finally hit one of the local bars to finish out the evening. I definitely needed the diversion. This was one of those days that makes me feel that sometimes being sober is overrated!

Being intoxicated allows the mind to dwell on certain things. I called M tonight but she didn't pick up. Hopefully she will return my call tomorrow and all will be well. I want to call her right now and tell her (or her voice mail) how I feel about her but I know better than to do something as foolish as that. I am not in the right mind for sure and would certainly come across as quite the fool. You know what they say - "Only fools rush in..." Patience, DooDoo san!

No more bloggy tonight! Can't...think...straight...must...slee...zzz...zzz...zz...z...

Movie time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you, with no further ado, my first try at HTML! Oooohh! Aaaahh! Look how nicely the following text fits next to the jpeg.

Saturday night I took myself to the theater and saw Ocean's Twelve, starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Julia Roberts. I was a bit skeptical about this one at first, as I usually am concerning movie sequels. Hey, anyone remember Batman Forever? If you do, you know why I have cause for concern. I was pleasantly surprised by this movie, however. The plot had several interesting and surprising twists just like Ocean's Eleven did. Lots of big-name stars, lots of big action! This movie was good-tastic!

I rented The Whole Ten Yards, Walking Tall, The Godfather Part I, and Blade Runner recently. The Whole Ten Yards falls into that Batman Forever category mentioned earlier. Walking Tall, starring the Rock, was actually a pretty good movie as far as action flicks go. I had already seen Blade Runner, but it is a modern classic as far as I'm concerned. I have yet to watch The Godfather, but I figured it's about time for me to see it finally.

All right now, enough with all the cinema! Being done with this semester feels mighty mighty good. Now I can practice when I want to, go excercise when I want to, and occasionally go to work (when THEY want me to). Ha ha ha! Bender is all dressed up like a penguin! Hilarity ensues! Huh...wha?

Anyways, this post may seem like it was written all in one go but this part I am writing now is being written about three hours later. I called up Alan on the phone box and we did the chit-chat. My ear hurts a little now but that's ok. When you don't talk to someone for weeks at a time there ends up being a lot to talk about!

You know, I am not sure if my perspective on Christmas has changed as I have gotten older or if the holiday is celebrated differently these days, but I don't see much Christmas programming on the TV. There also seems to be an absence of holiday decorations around town. Curious. It seems to me that with only eleven days left until Christmas there should be an abundance of festive spirit but i don't see it.

I would like to conclude this post with a shout out to my homie Benavidez! Welcome to the world of blog, my nizzle! This one goes out to you...

A welcome surprise.

"Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!" - Master Shake

M called me tonight!!! She called me from "the road". Tonight she stopped over in Knoxville, TN to visit friends from her old undergraduate days. She told me to call her over the break. Hey, she's thinking about me at least. This could be a good sign! Ok, ok, I swear I won't let this go to my head.

I am going to Phoenix in less than ten days now! I am so looking forward to getting away from this place. I haven't left Tallahassee since I got to Florida and I am beginning to feel boxed in. Next semester I must make it a point to see more of the Sunshine State. Although lately I haven't seen much of the sun. It's been raining here - go figure! Hey, at least my car gets a free wash, right?

My semester finally ends tomorrow with the conclusion of my last saxophone lesson. Woo hoo! Then it's off to being a lazy-ass for a while. Sounds like good times.

Winter, winter, where are you?

W-w-w-where did the winter go? It was 77 degrees today in Tallahassee with 100% humidity. I was actually getting sweaty today walking on campus. Where's the snow? Aw, I miss having seasons!

"Gimme some a dat sweet guitar!"

Sorry, couldn't resist this one. Anyone familiar with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Yeah, I thought so!

Go Carl, Go! Aqua Teen kicks ass.


Ok now, I swears I not to post any more audio for at least, um, a day.


It's now early Wednesday morning, and M never called me about getting together to do anything. She'll most likely be leaving for West Virginia in a few hours. Oh, well. I haven't given up on her but I'm not holding my breath either. It's probably better to keep my expectations low and possibly getting surprised by her rather than getting bent out of shape about it.

Well, "Walker: Texas Ranger" is on my TV at the moment, which means there is officially nothing of quality left on the airwaves tonight. It's also the unofficial signal for sleepytime. Zzz...

Audioblogging - "The Wave of the Future!"

Well, this audio clip just about sums me up in a nutshell! Enjoy!

Teen comedies, pure travesty.

Ok, I know everyone knows this, but teen comedies are so unrealistic. No matter what hardships the male lead character faces throughout the movie, he always gets the girl. The most incredible, unbelieveable obstacles befall the poor shlub and somehow he gets through it and wins the girl. Pure bullshit. Are these movies made to give us hope for our own lives, or are they merely meant to be colorful puffs of cotton candy?

I bring this up after having just watched the recent release The Girl Next Door. I guess these sexually-fuelled masterpieces are simply a way for studios to make a quick buck off of horny male moviegoers. Or they could contain some hidden symbolism about how aliens are releasing these films in order to entice millions of young teens to fuck each other, resulting in the rapid overpopulation of the planet Earth. Natural resources and fossil fuels will be consumed at an accelerated rate and the whole human race will die off. And all of this because of a bet between two of the aliens on which of their guesses will come closer to the year of the Earth's demise! Pretty sick and twisted, but POSSIBLE???

Eh, these movies for me serve only to frustrate. I know they are fluff but sometimes they ALMOST convince me that finding a girlfriend is a piece of cake, when in most cases it certainly is not. Like this whole thing with M. I'm not so sure anymore if my intuition has served me well, or if it has clouded my judgement. I just have this feeling that she is not interested. Oh well, I am gonna let this one cool off over winter break and see what, if anything, comes from it later on. She has my phone number now. Now I wait to see if she calls. But I'm not gonna wait with too much anticipation, feel me?

Man, I have to do something else with my days...too much time and blogging spent on M. I need a hobby. Any suggestions?

AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!

I blew it! I fucking blew it!! I am the biggest piece of doodoo(doo70s) on the planet!

I was all set to talk to M before our final Prism concert and she showed up right before we had to play so I couldn't talk to her. I then tried to find out her post-concert plans during our stage change but there were so many people around and she had to go immediately to where her clarinet quartet was going to perform that I was unable to set any plans with her. And that was it. FUCK!!!

On the good side, however, I did spend a good night out with my fellow saxophonists. We went downtown to the Tallahassee festival of lights carnival and listened to live music and ate funnel cakes and deep fried alligator and boiled peanuts. Mmm mmm mmm! Interesting, but tasty. It slightly made up for my lack of backbone earlier, but I still am dissapointed in myself at present.

Now I am waiting for my friend Chris to call to see where the parties are being held. Maybe M will be at one of them since these parties are being held by fellow music students...

Ya know, I realize that I am overreacting, but I feel strongly for this girl. She is quite interesting, and I haven't met someone as interesting in a long time. I do have her phone number that I got from the FSU student directory, but is it weird to call her up out of the blue when she never actually gave me her number? Will she be flatterred, or weirded out?

I really have no options at this point but to call her. I gotsta get it offa my chest. It'll be like the proverbial ripping off of the band-aid: it hurts at first, but only for a second or two. I hope. I feel I really need to go after this one. I must learn to push through the mental barricades of social ineptitude and come out triumphantly on the other side. Even if I get banged and bruised by the process, the end result will be a stronger, more socially comfortable me.

My mind is starting to go numb at this point. It's late and I've thrown back a couple beers tonight. I hope that all will reveal itself in due time...

The continuation of all things in the realm of DooDooDoo70s...

Well, the second Prism concert has come and gone, and it went more smoothly than the first. Didn't wait around afterwards to see M like I did last night. I don't want to come off looking like I am a stalker or something! Ha. She and I did go to lunch together today. I had a great time. We seem to be able to talk about the most personal things about each other. That's got to count for something in my favor, right? Tomorrow night will be the last Prism concert and most likely the last time I will see M before she leaves Tallahassee for Winter Break. I gotsta ask her out or let her know I at least like her.

Fifteen days separate me from Phoenix...I can't wait! It's gonna be awesome to see all the familiar places and people again. Probably will wait to do most of my Christmas shopping when I get there cause I don't wanna fly home with a bunch of presents taking up space. I really am specially excited about seeing Flagstaff again. I guess that backwards little hippie town will always feel like home to me. I hope it snows like mad the day I am there so that getting stinking drunk at the bars will be even more fun and treacherous!

I'm sure there are many profound thoughts rolling around in my melon at this moment but they refuse to surface. I need sleep.

Tired and girl-crazy!

I am so very very tired. Tired and tired of being tired, ya get me? End of the semester is always crunch time. Papers are due, performances are played, studying is in full swing. But among all this chaos, I am drawn toward one shining light - the elusive, seductive, confusing, wonderful Ms. M whom I mentioned in my last post.

I am uncertain how to interpret the times M and I have had with each other. Most of our conversations have occurred in the School of Music after our class we have together. But we have also been to two bars, and both times there were others with us. I am so confused about what I see as "signs". She seems to engage me with her eyes - a good sign. She also laughs at my humor and enjoys my saxophone playing - 2 more good signs. We also seem to share a solitary existance outside of school. By this I mean we have both admitted to each other that we don't hang out with many people and spend alot of our free time at our homes. So, a relationship would be welcome relief for the both of us, right? But I don't want to date M just because I am lonely. I really think we could work. I just can't tell if she likes me or if she was simply brought up by her family to wait for a guy to ask her out. I just don't have the guts to straight up ask her out. I need to get everything out in the open with M before she leaves for winter break - I don't want the tension in my head while I am in Phoenix!

I think I'm a good catch. I see other people happy and paired off all around me. I feel that I deserve nothing less. My singleness has nothing to do with any flaws in my personality or my looks. It all has to do with barriers I have in place in my own mind. If I have the will, there will be a way...

My saxophone playing has gotten better recently, mostly due to all the performing I have been doing lately. I was in such a slump for most of October. My loneliness and homesickness were affecting my playing. I am starting to get back into the groove again and I am not as bad as I once thought. My sax professor Mr. Meighan wants me to play for a guest saxophonist next semester and I want to plan a special recital mid-semester, so I have a lot of preparation and paracticing to do. Eh, that's what I'm all the way over here for, right? One Prism concert down, THREE more to go. Did I mention I was tired?

Why, Yahoo, WHY?!!

So I went to check my email for the 10th time today(I have no life!) and discovered that Yahoo, in its infinite amount of benevolance, has decided to upgrade my mail storage quota from 100mb to 250mb! Who the fuck needs 250 mb of email storage? Apparently people have forgotten how to manage their inbox and delete files etc etc. I am currently using a pitiful 2% of my storage capacity.

If anybody wants to lease some storage space, email me @ ivegotmorespacethaniwilleverneedtostoreuselesstripe@thisisfakeemail.com

Got a busy week ahead of me with these PRISM concerts here at FSU - don't ask. Ehh, you can ask, but I might lie to you. Want to "hook up" with this girl - let's refer to her as M for now. I feel like I'm 16 again, but without the acne and bad hair. She plays clarinet and has the most beautiful blue eyes! I must make this happen for it is chance-taking time! I leave you, the reader, with a few words from the Dream Theater, as a motto that I take into the battlefield of the realm of relationships:

"To those who understand,
I extend my hand,
To the doubtful I demand,
Take me as I am.

Not under your command,
I know where I stand,
I won't change to fit your plan,
Take me as I am."

P.S. I also wanna give a shout out to my lil' sis, Mel. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY (23rd) BIRTHDAY!!!!